The Desire of My Heart

Thought I should check this blog out, and say hello on it, updating it a tad bit.

I'm Thanksgiving it at the Grandparents in Texas right now-- bloody time getting here. Grandpa was picking me up, thought I was arriving at DFW but I arrived at Dallas Lovefield instead, a whole hour north from DFW. And he's the worst at directions, so on top of almost killing himself, he got lost numerous times and missed numerous turns. And then picked me up. And almost killed the both of us. At least it would have been together: Grampsy baby and I, as we like to call the old pops. There aren't any other men alive on earth who I love more than my Dad and Grandpa--best men living. Back to the killing. I said, "turn left here Grandpa." "Left?!" "Which left?!" Couldn't remember which way was left. And we were heading straight for the concrete divider and curb, so out of desperation, a second before we collided, I grabbed the steering wheel and yanked it to the left without looking to see if a car were behind us. They were, but fortunately the only thing they did was honk at us. I was flippin' scared. So at the next exit I used the excuse that poor Grandpa's hip was bothering him so bad, so he should let me do the driving from there on out. It was smooth sailing after that. By that night, I hadn't slept in 24 hours, and I was as bright eyed and bushy doped as I could possibly be. Loopy and laughing. And then yesterday I crashed and burned, went to bed at 8:45, woke up this a.m. at 5.

I made the famous cornmeal rolls and the mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving lunch. Smashing success, really--you can tell by my pregnantesque looking tummy--but I fit in, because everyone else is a rolling butterball like Yours Truly.

I've been doing way too much thinking lately. You know, the kind that could almost drive one mad. And then on Tuesday I read the whole Bhagavad Gita again--Hindu sacred text--and decided I needed a new mindset. In Grandma's Opera magazine, I read that most people's fatique comes from perceived stress--and even your cells can age 10 or more years just by going through a stressful short period of time. Scary. Good thing cells are constantly reproducing and dividing, eh?! So I have lots of perceived stresses. For instance, my mother. Really, in all honesty, it is none of my damn business what she's going through. I don't need to take all that onto my shoulders--there is nothing I can do about it. Or about after-graduation jobs--again, why stress now when it only screws me over???

So the Bhagavad Gita's premise is to let go of all desires in life--it doesn't mean you cannot be joyful, or happy, but by getting rid of desire, you get rid of the idea that you must control and warp and twist your world to get what you want, and if you cannot get it, you get stressed, exhausted, angry, you sin in reality, against yourself, and against God, by not living your life to the fullest possibilities.

So on Tuesday when I wanted to die of exhaustion, falling into a deep coma sleep at the airport, and then my mind was plaguing me with thoughts, I decided to devour the Bhagavad Gita again, and let go of my need to control life. It is my new project to work on, and a huge one to boot. But it is something I really want, because I want joy and peace inside--I want to reach nirvana if at all possible.

"He whose mind is untroubled
by any misfortune, whose craving
for pleasures has disappeared,
who is free from greed, fear, anger,
who is unattached to all things,
who neither grieves nor rejoices
if good or if bad things happen--
that man is a man of firm wisdom."

So ok, I still want to rejoice if good things happen, and still sorrow when sad things happen because I want to experience the beauty of human emotion, I just want to give up attachment to controlling the uncontrollables, or unneeded things in life--like crappy traveling times, bickering brothers, sick mother, sad father, stressed life.

"If a man keeps dwelling on sense-objects,
attachment to them arises;
from attachment, desire flares up,
from desire, anger is born;

from anger, confusion follows:
from confusion, weakness of memory.
Weak memory--weak understanding,
weak understanding--ruin.

But the man who is self-controlled,
who meets the objects of the senses
with neither craving nor aversion,
will attain serenity at last.

In serenity, all his sorrows
disappear at once, forever:
when his heart has become serene,
his understanding is steadfast."

Amen. Lord, this is the desire of my heart--grant me serenity.