Edited Note: I wrote this late last night (really early this morning!), vowing to get feedback! And so this isn't taken wrong, this does not apply to ANYONE specifically in my life, just a general belief/feeling I have had for some time now. I have absolutely no one on my list, so there is no angle in this piece I wrote.
By believing that I could never find true love, I have not only imprisoned myself, but I built the cold concrete walls that surround me. I have become my guard, I have become a prisoner, I have become the sentencing Judge, I have become the voice of doom pronouncing chaos. I have, by my lack of watering love, shriveled my flower to nothing but shards of piercing glass. I have fulfilled my own prophecy of never finding true love again—by not willing to believe, by not willing to wait to take my chances. Instead, cold rationalism procured, has reduced me to nothing but a cynic of love and taken away the joy in the thought of companionship.
Sweet Sixteen. Only seven years ago, but my, how times have slashed away at me. He was twenty, a solid four years my elder, a hunky Junior in college, swarthy, the typical “tall, dark, and handsome” prototype. I still have his letters to me, and I laugh at them—at him, at me, at us—our “puppy dog love” which my mom’s faraway gleaming eyes pronounced upon my love-sick soul. Insecure, gangly, and only a little girl, I cried my heart out when I broke up with him. My heart felt ripped out, minced and diced, the salty tears and runny nose and pile of toilet paper surrounding me, I just knew that was the end of my life.
And yet, it was the only beginning. My grand road trip through the maze of life, and he was only one little stepping stone in it, a summer fling that lasted such an amazing short time, but a fling that taught me much—to believe that I could find a really good guy someday.
And after the second male XX that came along, all those puppy love feelings turned into solid true love, and the summer fling lasted for several years, from girlhood to womanhood, and was so deep and so pure, nothing could adulterate it, except everything that could, and did. And suddenly, the cynic in all of us suddenly became my reality, my Mapquest of finding true love. “Impossible!” “Singlehood or Bust!”
I asked a nameless person, who I am very close to, this question:
If you could do the past thirty years over again, would you choose to be single and fulfill your personal goals, or be married? She broke down and cried, thereupon proving my point yet again. Was I shocked? No. The first words out of my mouth were, “well, then, it’s not just me. Marriage does suck.”
And so, yet again, I have hardened my heart, built up my flying buttresses, fortified my walls, prepared for a foray of jousting and jesting, but never, ever, giving in and “falling” in love. One cannot “fall” because if one can fall, one can get out of, love. Is it so trifling that it can be so, or is it so programmed that you can only love one person, truly, deeply, purely, only once, and then that is it? Everyone else is second-rate, or else I was duped in the first place, a naivety settling over my befoggled brain that I had found, at long last, “love”? Will my Google Search not bring up a true pure heart ready and willing to find true love, or only my cynic?
It is not that I am afraid of being alone, but that I am afraid of this cynical view, this fortress that I have built--therefore, and perhaps, knocking out any chance of finding—and I say this in a deep whisper—him. Maybe he and love do exist, except I have been so convinced that he and it do not, that I will miss him and it while changing life at the train stop. This, then, is my sadness. This, then, is my fear.
May 11, 2006
Added note: a friend once told me, “When you meet him, he will inspire you to pure love” thereby knocking out my cynic. By realizing my sadness and fear and hardness, it has become my first step to stopping my emotional bad attitude. I do not wish to stagnate here. I wish to bloom for eternity.
6 Comments:
Wow - this is tragically beautiful...
The depth of your soul leads me to believe that you have far more than "shards of piercing glass" remaining.
I don't think you were wrong to fortify your walls and become rather cynical about marriage - there is a time for everything. It seems that now, however, you have realized that it is time to look beyond your walls and regain a realistic belief in (or at least a hope of) him.
Bloom for eternity - no wishing or hoping - you can do it! Your future has potential beyond your wildest imaginations.
I too feel hesitant to comment, because your descriptive language was so beautifully written. Your deep psychological mining of your life's experiences is yielding a treasure trove of golden truths, and perhaps some cold stony fears.
All in all, you are doing the right thing to sort this out while you are still young and free. I'm not going to give you any advice, other than this adapted quote.
"The universe tends to unfold as it should." so just worry, and just let yourself unfold as you should -- like the blooming flower that you are.
Sometimes the "pen of inspiration" strikes and one cannot waste a good inspirational thought. By digging deeper into my psyche, it becomes scary, and sometimes sad, and sometimes encouraging, and sometimes, all three.
I once saw a bumper sticker, and if ANY of you see it, make sure and give it to me for an April Fools gift or my birthday (either works!). It said:
Everyone's dysfunctional. So GET OVER IT!
That has been a personal motto of mine--the whole, "Get over it" part. But get over it in a healthy manner.
It made me sad to realize that I am so freaked out and scared that I may be missing the boat--the ride--the beauty--companionship--or maybe, I just needed this fear to keep me focused. Fear has a way of making one focused. Fear forces a person to think first and act later. After being burned, I needed time to sort through things before "jumping" into the "abyss" :).
I like the Coldplay song, "The Scientist" where they say, "no one ever said it would be this hard." No one did tell me--but I sure learned quickly!
I seriously appreciate both your comments! I guess its nice for a girl to get affirmation from guys. Since we think and see life so differently at times, for me it is very affirming and positive to have the male XX giving me feedback about my life.
If you haven't learned by now, take note. I'm giving you a girl 101 lesson.
Many times your yakking and yakking and never-ending talking is us trying to figure problems out. Females bounce ideas off one another, because it is by talking that we figure it out for ourselves, when our little light bulb goes on.
And it is by being affirmed as an individual that "no, you aren't psychotic" that females can get a grip on life and cope and eventually, win the battles over emotions and daily problems.
Not that this is a grand excuse for females going overboard and blowing things up (which I only OCCASSIONALLY do ;) ;) ;).
But I think what I wrote encompasses all of us to some extent at one point or another in our lives.
Aren't we all afraid of the future?
Aren't we all afraid of having a marriage like our parents?
Aren't we all afraid of being with the wrong person and getting hurt?
So isn't it easier to build walls? But then those walls might hurt more than the real pain itself. Sometimes, the thought of being hurt is worse than the real hurt. Maybe?
I watched the sunset tonight, and it was very healing for me. Afterwards, I went on a really hard jog. And it seemed cathartic for me. I just wish I could have a good cry to finish dusting off the rest of the crap, but I feel almost incapable of having that good hard sob like I used to be able to do. I haven't cried like that since Noni's baby died last fall, and before that, almost a year had gone by, when the bastard last made his grand confessions of guilt to me.
But it wouldn't be a cry for one particular thing, but just a good cleansing one for all the built-up pain I've held in. Crying is good! Everyone should participate in the act of a good cry. It is good to touch base with your emotional side in a really deep way.
Well. I'll shut up. I need to pick up the pizza from Big Cheese and get on back home. My sister-in-law delivered a beautiful 7-something pound baby yesterday via C-Section, normal baby, no defects like the specialists were all saying (miracle, or did they screw up big time?!?!?). So Nate and Janelle volunteered to help me clean R&R's house for them while they are gone, and then we went out to eat at Ti-Cali's for supper. Do you know, they have a beautiful chocolate sauce for their cheese enchaladas? Its soooooooooooooooooo good! The chocolate isn't sweet, its more savory. ITs a traditional sauce. And then we each had a Mexican Flan to top it off.
And Janelle and I waxed our hands and feet today, and we loved it so much we are going to do it again tonight :). And I got my toenails painted. Ohhhhh, I'm SUCH a giiirrrllllll!
Jen, you aren't psychotic. I promise :)
I'm not sure about the global "fears" you describe... The future is definately unknown but I would call it anticipation perhaps, rather than fear. I don't truly fear the other two either. We were not made to fear - fear cripples life.
Maybe I'm just feeling particularly optimistic today, but I don't fear and I don't think you need to fear either! As Excalibur quoted, the universe tends to unfold as it should. I hope you begin to see all the unkowns and uncertainties of life with anticipation, hope, and joy rather than with fear.
I think you've made an excellent observation that walls can hurt more than actually being hurt. A close friend of mine told me as much one day and he regrets the walls he has constructed more than anything. Don't get used to walls or they will be very hard to remove later...
Ahhhh, maybe I'm just optimistic because my feet feel soooooo nice and soft... and because my back feels IN-------CREDIBLE! :) Thank you!! :P
Hey, I've been reading, just not commenting.
Although I think it's a common fear, there is no way you could 'miss the boat.' I think God in his wisdom knows right now you need to sit back, let time pass, and grieve. Can you picture Him today putting Mr. Right in your path and when you brush him by, God getting frustrated and saying, "Come on, Jen, take the bait. You're gonna miss the boat..." I used to have that exact fear, silly as it seems, everytime I just wasn't interested in a guy.
Serioulsy, you've got nothing but time, girl. Take it easy on yourself. I miss you.
"I think God in his wisdom knows right now you need to sit back, let time pass, and grieve."
Wow. That was painful to read, because I realized the truth in it. I still haven't healed, have I? I still hurt inside, I still ache, I still am wounded. It hurts to admit it.
May is a hard month for me. Remember Gina, when he left and you came over to help me pack up and move back to California? May 8. I've been exploring that time again, deep in my heart, and by exploring, I see how raw I am still. I still don't feel like going too deep, talking about it too much--but sometimes it is good to I suppose.
Not that I am some tragic screwed-up helpless twit who will never win over my emotions--its just that May is hard for me, and a lot of memories come up in this month, and I am thinking about the past a lot--probably the first time I've actually explored it this deep--and stirring up the murky waters never brings up anything good, except perhaps to clean the drains out. I hope so, anyway.
Thanks for your comment. I miss talking to you! I've been so busy, and still feeling a bit bummed so it is hard for me to contact anyone, on top of the whole "I never call anyway" business ;). I did get your email!!!!!!!!!!! And I will write back soon!!!!!!!
I'm driving to Spokane tonight and flying out for D.C. tomorrow to spend a week there and planning a huge Amnesty International event on campus this THursday which I wont' be here to attend and I have to get it all done today, plus see my NEW nephew born on Friday since Rachel and my mom are driving back from Spokane today, plus turn in papers, plus get books from the library... I'm never going to get it all done today. Shoot me now.
If I don't write you today, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I'll try to send a note or two while in D.C.
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